Darkness

I am rereading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller for the first time since probably my sophomore year in high school. It's definitely taking me quite a while to unpack what I have been reading. And it definitely is much more meaningful/relevant to where I am in my faith now than it was 4 years ago (I have done a lot of growing up!)

"[...] and how hard it is to love light and how easy it is to love darkness. I like to think that I do things for the right reasons, but I don't, I do things because I do or don't love doing them. Because of sin, because I am self addicted, living in the wreckage of the fall, my body, my heart, and my affections are prone to love things that kill me. I could go through the motions for a while, but sooner or later my heart would testify to its true love: darkness."

If that isn't a testament to my life, I don't know what is. I can try my hardest to live in the light, but I fail miserably ever single day. My heart's true love is darkness, and I have to ask constantly to change that. I can see it everywhere in my day to day: picking unnecessary fights with Hayden, stressing myself out over the littlest things, unkind thoughts, quiet irritability. It's everywhere. All because my heart is focused on the wrong thing. So it's been my goal to now make the conscience effort to push towards the light. Only enveloping my heart and mind in the Lord's love and dwelling in His presence will shift this. The sin nature I have etched so deeply in my heart can easily cloud my thoughts, but I pray that the Lord will open my eyes to this and help to guide me to the light, to Christ. Lord, teach me to love the light. What is your darkness?